truvy
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Sloth Monster Strikes Again
Uggh, I have been doing so well about going to the gym both in the morning and at lunch until this morning & 20 degrees here in NYC. Plus, today is a legs workout & I had planned cardio for lunch, so now I just plan to fit it all in at lunch.
Such is my daily concern.
Well, that and figuring out finances - always a source of stress and concern, but especially now when I'm about to get my annual review at work and then a few weeks later we're told how much (little) our bonuses are for the year.
I spend hours at work calculating - "Well, if my bonus is this much, and this much is taken out for my 401(k), and I get roughly 60% of the remainder after taxes, then I can pay off this student loan, this credit card, and ...." and so on, except it's looking less and less like I'll be paying off anything but the dyke who plows my driveway (go ahead - take any crack at that you want - pun intended grrls).
I spend time seriously consider taking on extra work - a few shifts at a restaurant (EJs? maybe my friend needs some extra coverage at his restaurant?), cater-waitering, private legal work, something to make a difference. I would still like to keep paying extra on my student loans each month, but it really all depends on what other debt I'm floating and if it makes sense to pay these off. I'm thankful for the low interest rates & all the crazy "0% interest rate on purchases & balance transfers until XXXX, 2003 or 2004" offers that are coming in, because it allows me some flexibility and as RJ might say, "optionality" (a little term he picked up in B-school).
Really, when it all comes down to it, I know I spend too much. There are several areas in which I could cut my spending, but it's just so hard to do. I mean, I really needed to look fabulous at the Chorus retreat in December, thus I had to pay for some new dresses. Maybe I should learn how to sew, but then I'd be spending money on a sewing machine & untold days fabric shopping. Maybe I should not see a therapist anymore, but then again, I told myself I'd give it a year and then evaluate if I think I'm getting anything out of it. Maybe I should just sell the house, but then again, I think that would break my heart after all the blood, sweat & tears we've poured into it in the past 3 years (and I mean literally all 3 - blood, sweat & tears). It's all really just a matter of discipline and changing my habits, and *wah* poor me I don't know if I can afford to keep a mountain house when I live in a gorgeous apartment with my partner in the City. *Wah* poor me I don't know what my bonus will be this year when I have so many friends who are out of work. *Wah* poor me I've been out of school for 7 1/2 years and don't have my loans paid off yet.
I know, I know, I know - it could be a lot worse and what some people would give to have my problems. But fuck it, they're still things that have to be dealt with, and they're still my problems, as manufactured as they may sound to others.
But, I'm trying to take control of matters. I sent a memo to my boss & his boss outlining my expectations for my bonus, even in light of the crappy economics at work & the reasons behind those expectations. At the very least, now they know what I'm thinking, and if I get further cuts this year, they know they will be discouraging me. Plus, if I do get fucked over on my bonus, at least I can't kick myself for having not sent the memo.
Fuck this slow & lagging economy! Fuck the tight-as-a-virgin-gay-boy's-ass job market! Fuck my worries!
I guess I'll just have to deal with it all as it comes & do my best. Isn't that all any of us can do?
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