truvy
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Today for now
I know I said I'd tell you about the trip - but I can't today.
Instead, I have today.
A night that started well by curling up with the dog - most precious and beloved, and went downhill. I didn't sleep much, and when I did I had very bad dreams that had me talking and yelling and crying out all night - waking not only myself by RJ and Rowan too.
Today I'm cloudy, befuddled, emotional, wrecked.
I've tried to read some blogs, but it all seems too real right now. I'm connecting with everything, seeing myself and my life reflected in the pages before me - being thrown back into thoughts and memories that stir me up and send me back down with the sick thud of a crash. I feel myself breaking and know it's caused by many things - physical, emotional, intellectual - but it will all be better with some rest & some perspective.
Don't worry - it's not like last time. I still have a better grip on the situation than I did last time. I didn't let myself fall in love - I didn't let myself feel anything much beyond paroxysms of joy, anger, love, pride, wonder...but nothing prolonged. I'll sift through each of these and figure out which ones I can revisit - which ones can be stretched into memories and which ones will lie dormant.
Ah yes, jetlag and post vacation blues - so fucking typical I'm disgusted with myself.
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