truvy
Monday, October 28, 2002
I had a Dream, A Dream about you, Lamby
Okay, I leave tomorrow for Australia, and I'm very excited (and nervous, as I get before something big - making sure every detail is in place and trying to wield control over ALL), so I could see maybe why I've been chewing a hole in my lip while I sleep, and perhaps that my dreams might be a bit freaky...
But last night's was amazing - perhaps one of the most moving dreams I've had in my life (and I tend to remember dreams - I'm weird like that).
...Starts off pretty innocently. Robert and I got to a party. The party has the usual mix of people from all over my life - my dear friends in Texas with my godchildren, friends of my ex, people from work, from the Chorus, etc.
Robert shows up in this really unusual get-up. It looks like Batman gone Clockwork Orange, a la S&M - leather pants & top, both with lots of buckles in weird places, and a cape. No, the party is Not costume, and everyone else is dressed normally.
Well, I'm surprised and distressed and I'm very mean to him.
He leaves.
Like, for good.
I search for him. For years.
In the meantime, it's made evident to me that in the world everyone has a twin - or like a double of him or herself. You have a sexual, loving, dependent, totally intertwined existence with your other self. You also wear nametags to help everyone with your name (I like that part).
I meet this one guy who doesn't know what his "twin" did last night, because they no longer see each other. It's then that I realize: A) you can be separated from your other half, and B) mine was no longer around.
Story goes further, as it's revealed to me that in this world you can have 3 levels of relationships: with your twin, with a partner/lover/husband/wife whatever, and then with Others - kind of lovin' on the side for fun.
Well, I had fucked up my relationship with Robert so thoroughly that not only was I no longer eligible for level 2, but my twin had left me too, and I was ALL ALONE. I wandered, I searched, I wept, I roller-bladed (my one joy was roller-blading through fountains), I suffered enormously and felt at all times a deep and aching loss.
After years of wandering, but somehow moments really after my full realization of how seriously fucked up my life was - I had lost the 2 most important things in a person's life - I came across a chapel of sorts.
The chapel/place of devotion was very futuristic - very techno - very music oriented - a vibe, a rhythm, a feeling that went to your soul and nourished it in a light, fun, but very deep way. Natasha Richardson was the only other person there, and she was the priestess of sorts. We laughed at the lights, the music, the message - but she says, "You know what's funny though, Rob - I really Believe in it all."
"You know, so do I", I admitted.
Natasha beckoned, "Come over here - sit in this chapel and think - think how you would change things. How would you make it different? When did it go wrong? Why are you suffering?"
I sat there and cried and cried - thinking back to the time when Robert left me, when I had lost my twin, what I would give to do it over.
Beyond all hope, beyond any reason, I got to do it over.
I was transported back to the party - when I had been mean to Robert. I told him he looked silly, but that was fine with me. We danced and had fun. I had my partner back, I had my twin back, and I was doing such a good job that I was even eligible for "fun on the side" relationships.
I awoke as if at a storybook ending - weeping big real tears that had drenched my face and the pillow. I rolled over and hugged Robert and held him to me, not sleeping for the remainder of the night but thinking.
I thought about many things - what dreams are, what they represent, whether this was any sort of message (from myself or something else), and about my life with Robert.
I saw it all as very redemptive and fairly spiritual.
Upon waking, I told Robert. His reaction? That by force of my will I once again bent things to get what I wanted. :)
But in this case, what I wanted was him, so I don't think he minded too much.
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