truvy
Thursday, May 30, 2002
My twisted brain - or - What's on my mind today
My mind - a terrible thing, but good thing it's not going to waste. What's on my mind, you ask dear reader? Well, funny you should ask, cause here I am to tell ya.
In slightly despicable gay-boy fashion, the gym is on my mind. That 24.3% body fat count has got me down boys & girls, down down down. I feel lumpy & bad. I'm doing a good job of disguising my self-quasi-hatred, but it's still there. I had a lovely workout with my sometimes-workout partner David this morning. As we've discussed before, I don't think a lot of gay men ever get past their self-image when they were 13. Maybe it's true for everyone, but I'm a gay man, so what do I know about anyone else I ask you? David sees himself as skinny & scrawny, although he looks to me to be in wonderful shape - tight, hard, flat stomach, very nice arms & chest, good shoulders, and nice posture to boot. I, on the opposite end of the spectrum, almost always feel fat & weak. I know my weight is a major point of concern & focus for me, and I try not to let it rule my life, but G-ddammit I don't want to be fat. I want that spare tire to go AWAY! Granted, it's a bicycle tire and not a Mac truck, but when I wear a tight shirt it still looks like sausage casing (making me NOT go out of the house with it on). I don't think I'll resort to lipo, but don't think I haven't considered it!
Anyway, I attempting to be a fairly normal person & just stick to a regular schedule & relatively healthy diet. Should that be so hard? Well, it is, whether it should be or not. God give me strength to avoid sweets & carbs.
A further anyway, there's this big part of me that doesn't like being so fucking typical - I KNOW in my realistic mind that I'm in better shape than most of America, but that intellectual knowledge doesn't seem to help much when I'm constantly bombarded with beautiful men with bodies of death. Perhaps I should move to Peoria or a small town in Alaska. Ah, the drama I create for myself. People should have such fucking problems, right?
So anyway, on my mind - self-obsession is another way to put it.
I think in part it's because I'm trying NOT to think about other things, like for instance (hmm, let's see here, what pops to mind?),
terrorism and the continued heightened state of alert we find ourselves in in NYC? Yes, that's my major avoidance, but something that is still on my mind. The WTC site is today finished with the recovery stage & they're having a simple ceremony to acknowledge that this phase is over. Now time to decide what to do with the space - and of course no end of suggestions & ideas are out there. The New Yorker had a great article a few weeks ago that you should check out - interesting view of all the plans & the players who will decide. The best thing I've heard is that Greenwich Street will continue down & not be interrupted again by the WTC complex - we'll actually have another way up & down the west side. I wonder if that will help traffic any - we'll have to see.
What else? My mother of course - I am very happy to report that she had a great doctor's appt. yesterday & the neuro-surgeon said that at 8 weeks after the surgery, she's making good progress & she doesn't have to go back for another 6 weeks. I think this means she can start physical therapy soon, and maybe even drive in a few weeks. I know she's felt very trapped during the entire process & convalescence, and I doubt not that the added sense of "freedom" of being able to drive will help raise her spirits.
Que mas? Vacations - again, the avoidance thing. Memorial Day was my last 3-day weekend until Labor Day, that is unless I "fall ill" the Monday after Pride weekend, which very well may happen if I decide to go to Alegria (oh twist my arm already). It's going to be a long summer of 5-day weeks (sigh). Ah well, the Fall will be fabulous.
Anything else? Oh, this and that. Local issues of additional PATH entrances/exits in the Village, being mad at the woman who lets her dog rip up the flowers in the beds in front of our building, stupid stuff like that.
But overall, things are good. Work is very busy, but not overwhelming. June will be madness w/ all the Chorus & Pride events, but I like that kind of madness, so I'm looking forward to it.
How about you? What's on your mind?
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