truvy
Monday, February 18, 2002
Ah good reader, finally a break and back to it.
1. The auction is over, and was a good success. We'll have numbers tonight or tomorrow, but a special thanks to what appeared to be my entire "rolodex" (as Trent said) that showed up! She was great, and just gave and gave on stage for an hour! We had only hoped for 15-20, but she had everyone laughing & enjoying themselves. My only real stress was that Uptown Express got shoved back a bit and performed later than they would have liked, and people were ready to go, which is a shame since they're so good and fun. I was getting very little sleep in the days leading up to this event, and I am SO happy it's over. If it even turns out to be a nominally successful event money-wise I'll be satisfied. Truly, I will, and that's saying a lot since I usually am not satisfied with much that I do.
2. It was great to see Andrew last week for lunch, and I wish we could have seen more of him; but several things about this: mostly boiling down to the fact that I still have somewhat conflicted emotions about Woody. I am lucky as all get out to have my partner, and I love him more than words can describe. I know intellectually that conditions were right a year ago to fall for someone (on vacation, fun times, euphoric dancing, foreign lands, great sex), and I realize the complications it would cause if it were even a possibility, and since it's not, I suppose I should be grateful. But I'm not, and I think that's part of my fucking selfish & self-centered nature. When I just reflect on it, I guess I'm not sad or frustrated, but more wistful and "what if". The thing is, even with all that, I don't like the "what if" if the end result doesn't include Robert. Thanks honey for putting up with me - I don't know how you do it. I think as I've had about a year to put it in perspective, it's a bit easier to step back, take a real look and see it for what it was: a crush & a fun thing that RJ and I enjoyed together, and hopefully made a good friend in the process while not fucking up any other friendships. Does any of that make sense? Well, it feels better to write it down. As stupid as I had always thought diaries were, and I don't mean for this to be a diary per se, I can begin to see the value of taking the time to think through your emotions & thoughts and put them down in a coherent (yes, I know, that's way subject to interpretation) manner. It clears your head for other things...maybe.
3. I got see Peter briefly as well, since he babysat Rowan for me Saturday & Sunday. We'll see him again tomorrow for dinner - oh, I got him to babysit because Robert went to Portland for his parents' 50th anniversary, and I would have liked to go but for the auction. Oh well, it's probably just as well. I have conflicted emotions about that as well. It's not necessarily that his parents don't want to discuss or acknowledge me (see above re. selfish & self-centered), but the fact that their youngest (and brightest I would say) son is a 'mo. Not that they'd probably put it in those terms, but you get the picture. Anyway, happy Golden to them, it is an achievement in this day & age, and I admire them. I'm also a bit jealous...I wish my dad had lived to see 50, much less his 50th wedding anniversary. Wow, 14 years and it still hurts. How to tell that gently to my dearest Nazzy, whose father's funeral service I attended last Monday? I also feel like a total schmuck for not having the time (again, the bloody auction) to make a shiva call during the week.
4. I'm a little tired - okay, exhausted right now. I feel like a cracked-out circuit queen (thanks for that description, kept ringing in my head for the past 2 days) because I went to the White Party Saturday night and Alegria's Winter Event last night. When I stop thinking for a moment, dance music comes blaring into my head with a heavy beat, lights twirl before my eyes, and I'm very very tired. But I think if I go to sleep now I won't be able to pick up RJ at EWR at 3:37. I figure it's the least I can do. Anyway, I did have a very fun time at both. The crowd was hotter at Alegria, or maybe it was just that I was that much hornier an entire day later. Who knows? Anyway, I had fun. Thanks to Tomas for letting me tag along, and for all his fun fun friends.
Well, that about catches it up. Next weekend is dance retreat up at Spruce Lodge, so I'll have my hands full w/ that, but at least that's something I can do with minimal worry (not that I won't stress, but I've made lists already of everything I can think of, which always makes me feel better). I can concentrate on the Dance from now till March. Oh yeah, and I went fabric shopping w/ Philomena, who's making my dress for Night of 1000 Gowns. A gorgeous silk du-peony (I have no idea how to spell that and fuck it if I'm looking it up) in ice blue & the palest pink. Very spring, very sophisticated. It will be made with enough flair not to be too Queen Mum'ish, whom I always think of in pale blues. Whatever Mary. Now what about shoes?
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